Since so many of my friends (and me too) are trying to have peaceful transitions
from relationships to friendships and vice versa... I thought it might be a good time
to explore the different types of “special” relationships.
The most obvious is friendship. Friends are there to confide in, chum around with,
help out, etc. “Just” friends draw the line at platonic activities only.
Another level is lovers, where you communicate on an erotic level. Usually lovers
are also friends, but not necessarily.
It’s wonderful to be both friends and lovers with someone. But it’s rare and it
usually doesn’t last very long because one or the other wants to escalate to a
“relationship” or de-escalate to "just friends."
A friendship or love affair becomes a relationship when you start to plan your future
together. Or when you move in together. Or when he gives you his class ring and
you decide to go steady. That is, when you decide to see each other “exclusively.”
Sometimes two people who were great friends together wind up being a
disastrous couple when they decide to be in a “relationship.” Hopefully, you catch
the error soon enough and “de-escalate” before your friendship is damaged.
In ACIM (A Course in Miracles) we learn to go for the “Holy Relationship”, where
there are no expectations, where there is instant forgiveness and no gap between
your minds at all ever. That’s what we go for.
In the meantime, we pay attention to the glimpses of blissful Oneness we can
experience, wherever we can, whenever we can.
I hardly ever get jealous anymore. If my lover wants to engage in erotic
communication with another woman -- whether it be in person or over the Internet
or over the phone -- she can have him with my blessings. I wouldn’t love him any
less. But I would move on…
I’ve been hearing the same story from friends—both men and women—who have
encountered lovers who demand to enter into an exclusive “relationship”
immediately upon becoming intimate.
I’ve got a different idea. Let’s hang out through four seasons together. Let’s get to
know each other when it’s windy and cold outside and when it’s hot and humid.
Let's see how we resolve conflicts and how we each handle disappointments.
Let's see if we can survive a road trip together. Let's see how you treat me in
public, etc. I consider the first 12 months probationary, like an extended audition.
The good part is that there is no pressure. You know right up front that I’m not even
going to consider a relationship until we’ve been close friends for (at least) four
seasons. The heat is off.
(But I'm not rigidly stuck on this time frame either. I'm open to following wherever
love leads. I'm just not in a hurry.)
Lovers are eventually either escalated to boyfriends, demoted to platonic friends,
or uninvited from my orbit altogether.
I’ve had the awesome experience of being loved well, and I’ve had the humbling
experience of not being loved at all. Both are scary and both are necessary to help
gauge future decisions about who you want to share your golden years with. Once
you hit middle-age, you don’t have the luxury of time with which to recover from
another bad decision!
I definitely want to get married eventually (that is, if I ever find a compatible
partner!), so I won’t stay involved if there’s no potential to go deeper. But I’m not in
a hurry.
You know how the saying goes: “Until you find Mr. Right, you may as well have fun
with Mr. Wrong.” As long as you’re honest with yourself (and him) about it.
(c) copyright 2009 Genie Webster
from relationships to friendships and vice versa... I thought it might be a good time
to explore the different types of “special” relationships.
The most obvious is friendship. Friends are there to confide in, chum around with,
help out, etc. “Just” friends draw the line at platonic activities only.
Another level is lovers, where you communicate on an erotic level. Usually lovers
are also friends, but not necessarily.
It’s wonderful to be both friends and lovers with someone. But it’s rare and it
usually doesn’t last very long because one or the other wants to escalate to a
“relationship” or de-escalate to "just friends."
A friendship or love affair becomes a relationship when you start to plan your future
together. Or when you move in together. Or when he gives you his class ring and
you decide to go steady. That is, when you decide to see each other “exclusively.”
Sometimes two people who were great friends together wind up being a
disastrous couple when they decide to be in a “relationship.” Hopefully, you catch
the error soon enough and “de-escalate” before your friendship is damaged.
In ACIM (A Course in Miracles) we learn to go for the “Holy Relationship”, where
there are no expectations, where there is instant forgiveness and no gap between
your minds at all ever. That’s what we go for.
In the meantime, we pay attention to the glimpses of blissful Oneness we can
experience, wherever we can, whenever we can.
I hardly ever get jealous anymore. If my lover wants to engage in erotic
communication with another woman -- whether it be in person or over the Internet
or over the phone -- she can have him with my blessings. I wouldn’t love him any
less. But I would move on…
I’ve been hearing the same story from friends—both men and women—who have
encountered lovers who demand to enter into an exclusive “relationship”
immediately upon becoming intimate.
I’ve got a different idea. Let’s hang out through four seasons together. Let’s get to
know each other when it’s windy and cold outside and when it’s hot and humid.
Let's see how we resolve conflicts and how we each handle disappointments.
Let's see if we can survive a road trip together. Let's see how you treat me in
public, etc. I consider the first 12 months probationary, like an extended audition.
The good part is that there is no pressure. You know right up front that I’m not even
going to consider a relationship until we’ve been close friends for (at least) four
seasons. The heat is off.
(But I'm not rigidly stuck on this time frame either. I'm open to following wherever
love leads. I'm just not in a hurry.)
Lovers are eventually either escalated to boyfriends, demoted to platonic friends,
or uninvited from my orbit altogether.
I’ve had the awesome experience of being loved well, and I’ve had the humbling
experience of not being loved at all. Both are scary and both are necessary to help
gauge future decisions about who you want to share your golden years with. Once
you hit middle-age, you don’t have the luxury of time with which to recover from
another bad decision!
I definitely want to get married eventually (that is, if I ever find a compatible
partner!), so I won’t stay involved if there’s no potential to go deeper. But I’m not in
a hurry.
You know how the saying goes: “Until you find Mr. Right, you may as well have fun
with Mr. Wrong.” As long as you’re honest with yourself (and him) about it.
(c) copyright 2009 Genie Webster
Friends & Lovers
by Genie Webster
